Being ever so slightly pretentious, I make it a hobby of mine to regularly enjoy some of the finer things in life, from lavish and decadent restaurants to the finest in Egyptian cotton bed sheets. And so it was in this tradition that I found myself at Royal Malewane safari lodge, situated near the Kruger National Park.

It’s not often that I find myself in close proximity to a massive elephant – I had left behind memories of Andrew, the overly large pre-school bully, years ago. This particular elephant seemed fairly placid though, quite content to mill around with his troupe amid the raggedy Jackelberry. Unlike Andrew, I didn’t have to give this beast my lunch money, and any fears of atomic wedgies or Chinese burns were quickly dispelled.

Besides the majestic (and non-bullying) elephant, the safari lodge also boasts the rest of the famed “Big Five” (lion, leopard, rhino and…buffalo), which can be viewed during a game drive through the 13000ha reserve. Usually rising from my slumbers at noon, the game drive was perhaps slightly early for my taste, as it usually takes place just before the unforgiving African sun takes hold of the day, burning any unsuspecting foreigner in its wake.

One unfortunate gentleman from Brighton literally burst into flames as temperatures reached 25 degrees Celsius, and had to be quickly soaked with ice tea to bring him around again. A hearty breakfast afterward quickly put the zip back into his step though, as it certainly did mine.

After filling my substantial belly, I slipped on my Indiana Jones-styled fedora and took the time to explore my surroundings, humming Indy’s theme tune as I navigated my way through the lodge.

Royal Malewane consists of eight freestanding and private suites immaculately put together and simply screaming luxury, yet maintaining its rugged safari lodge identity. With its wooden terrace and thatched gazebo it offers the perfect blend of comfort and nature.

"...seconds (and thirds) were the order of the day...

Being one of the 15 guests there (the lodge can accommodate up to 20) the service is intimate, friendly and very efficient. I spent the early afternoon relaxing at the library, before being informed that lunch was to be served. The cuisine on offer is certainly mouth watering and seconds (and thirds) were the order of the day.

After resting in my suite and letting the food settle, it was off for a late afternoon game drive in one of the stylish open Land Rovers on offer. Royal Malewane also offers walking safaris with experienced trackers and guides, but I’ve never been a huge fan of walking, and so justifiably chose the Landie.

After the drive I decided to make use of the resident masseuse, who quickly took out all the knots in my back as well as the crippling muscle cramp I had experienced in my left calf since I was five.

Hitting the minibar

The butler on offer also insured my mini bar worked overtime, although he quickly started to tire from all my “The Butler Did It” jokes.

The rest of my stay flew by in a hazy blur, as it tends to do when you’re well looked after and your mini bar is fitted with a revolving door access.

The Elephant- Back safari was definitely a highlight, I got everyone to call me “Hannibal” and I felt like an African king. This lead me to take a horse riding safari which took me through the Moholoholo Mountain View Game Reserve and left me unable to walk properly for a good few hours, leading to another visit from the trusty masseuse.

Amid all this frenetic activity, I even managed to squeeze in a game of golf at the nearby Hans Merensky Golf Estate, where I managed to cheat my way to a famous win, pushing my partner into the crocodile infested lake after he sunk another great putt.

No, if only.

I lost and graciously accepted the gloating and barracking of my golf partner, who was a horrible winner it must be said.

As the cliché goes, all good things eventually come to an end. My stay at the Royal Malewane Lodge was what one would describe as an exhilarating affair. Set amid an unspoilt paradise, this corner of the world is one you will find very hard to forget.

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  • Royal Malewane Lodge is a 35 minute drive from Hoedspruit Airport, which is accessible via a connecting flight from Johannesburg International Airport
  • For more information and to book, visit www.royalmalewane.com or www.gilt-edge.com.