On one particular day, his flight was delayed and Mike spent the time 'building up his courage'. When the flight was finally called, he was feeling very brave and stumbled his way to his seat. He had hardly sat down when a man asked him to move as he was occupying the wrong seat.

Mike told him in no uncertain terms that this was his seat and he had paid for it and he was not moving. The man asked him again to please move after which Mike threatened him with a good 'donnering' if he worried him again as he had paid for his seat and was not moving for no-one.

The man shrugged his shoulders and said "Fine, you fly the bloody thing then."

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in France."

He swallowed hard. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he smiled, "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Indian descent. We have found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Afrikaners."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name."

"Running Bear," the man said...."Running Bear Moodley, but my friends call me Frikkie."

"Of course? What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's Birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.

Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!

On this particular flight he had hammered his plane into the runway really hard, so so he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma’am," said the pilot, "What is it?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks causes throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny...........
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. Once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax...'Oh my God!'"

Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in economy piped up: "That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

At this the gent next to me became even whiter and, trying to reassure him as I am a frequent flyer, I turned to him and said: "Don't worry, I am sure they know what they are doing." To which he turned to me and said, "You don't understand, I am a pilot and I knowwhat they are doing"

More great jokes on page 2...

Got your own good ones? Send them to us at travel@metropolis.co.za.

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