In the build-up to the third Test between England and South Africa, iafrica.com gets a sneak glimpse at the secret diary of national cricket captain Graeme Smith...

Thursday, 17 July: Night before the big Test, and always a few nerves, particularly with the rumours about the England team. Apparently England are trying to sign a new commercial deal with an Australian tiling firm, and have offered the company a place in the England side if they sign! All sounds quite bizarre, can't see it happening. And to complete an odd build-up, Nella has decided to only speak in German, and won't answer any questions unless we call him 'Gunther'. Honestly.

Friday, 18 July: The rumours were true! Darren Pattinson is the guy's name, a worker from Melbourne who went straight into the starting line-up. I asked Michael Vaughan about him at the toss, and he just shook his head, and said he's never heard of him before. Won the toss, rolled England, and finished the day well, although got out to Flintoff when I was feeling good. Bit of a problem with AB, though, who's still very young, and is used to playing the one hand, one bounce rule. Mind you, Vaughan seemed fine with playing it himself...

Saturday, 19 July: Couldn't sleep for some reason, so woke up and watched some Bollywood extracts from the DVD the studio sent me last week. I'm a little worried about the singing, but my footwork to the spinners is pretty smooth, so I should be fine with the dancing. Bang on the door at six o'clock interrupted a great chorus line: opened the door, and Nella handed me a plate of sauerkraut, nodded, and walked off. Where the hell do you find sauerkraut at six in the morning? Great day of cricket, though, and we're really on top thanks to Ash — definitely back in the series.

Sunday, 20 July: Marvellous day's cricket, particularly for AB, who came to see me this morning in tears. The crowd was booing him for most of the previous day, Neil confiscated his Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition with Kerry in, and Nella wouldn't let him sit down at breakfast until he promised to help him invade Belgium. (Getting seriously worried about André.) Gave him a big hug, explained that they were only booing because he was playing so well, and lent him an old copy of Maxim with Kerry in that I happened to have lying around (great article on tax breaks in it, which was why I'd kept it). Pep talk worked: one splendid hundred later, and the game's ours for the taking.

Monday, 21 July: Victory! And what a win: ten wickets is pretty emphatic, even if it was against ten men and an Australian builder. (To be honest, Pattinson bowled decently enough, but didn't seem to gel with the rest of the team. Probably the language barrier.) Decided to take the team out to celebrate: Jeremy Snape, our performance consultant, suggested a few pints, a couple of pies, and a lovely little club with Ukrainian dancers, but I figured a movie would be better. Didn't quite go according to plan, though: with Bollywood on the horizon, I figured Mamma Mia would be perfect (Doug Worth, my bodyguard — who's still in mourning back home after Heath Ledger passed away, and so isn't on the tour — reckons it's brilliant, with Pierce Brosnan "quite beautiful"). Most of the guys trooped off to some rubbish called 'Wanted' with Angelina Jolie, though, leaving me and Mickey at Mamma Mia. Philistines.

Wednesday, 23 July: I got the script! Been quite nervous about seeing it for the first time, and ripped it open the moment it arrived. It looks amazing! The film opens with a fortress in the jungle, where a local princess is being imprisoned: I blow open the gates, burst in armed with my cricket bat, rescue her, carry her out to my waiting horse, and tear off my shirt to use as a bandage for her bleeding leg... and cut to opening credits. Brilliant. Couldn't concentrate at all in the nets — can't wait to get back to Mumbai and start filming!

Friday, 25 July: Not the most exciting day on tour: day one versus Bangladesh 'A'. Still, very exciting for the Bangladeshis, and we spent half an hour signing autographs for them before the game started. Dale can't play, as Nella accidentally bit him while trying to take a catch in fielding practice — Dale's hand flared up a bit, and he needed a tetanus jab. JP got a pile of runs, and I had a decent lamb korma from an Indian across the road from the hotel; dropped my laundry off with Mickey, and had my quietest Friday night in a while.

Sunday, 27 July: The script just gets better and better. There's one scene where I have to blow up a terrorist who's standing behind a corner, so I bowl a big off-break with a hand grenade, it kicks round the corner, and bang, save the day! What a scene — Bollywood will go mad. Luckily my off-breaks are turning square at the moment. Finished off a dull Sunday, rescued AB from Nella (he was trying to fit AB into his coffin and push him down the stairs), and called it a day over a tub of Ben and Jerry's cookie dough. Life's small pleasures...

Tuesday, 29 July: Third Test tomorrow, and Dale's definitely out — the hand's still infected after Nella bit it, so our self-proclaimed German is into the attack. England have brought back Harmison, which means the square-leg umpire's in danger, so a couple of changes. A series victory if we win the Test, my movie career hovering on the horizon, and the receptionist at the hotel told me I had incredible eyes on the way out this morning. The omens are looking pretty good for me at the moment...

  • Contact Dan at dan@metropolis.co.za

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