"What you lookin' at, rice burner?" The Dodge Caliber exclaims in an irritable tone. "Nothing," the Nissan Tiida replies unassumingly, "I was just wondering why you're parked in such a prominent position."

"Ain't it obvious? When you got stuff to strut in frunna' that camera, why the heck not?" The Tiida pretends to ignore the American's arrogant retort, but this Yank's in no mood for shutting up, "Best you just hide there, in your little corner you seaweed muncher! What's up with that slab-sided body - did you hurtle sideways into a car crusher?"

The Tiida starts, blushing lightly, "It's some 'hing you Amelicans will not understand. Japanese proverb say that car with big, fat, curvy body come from country with national hot dog eating championship." "Well that's why we need big cars, you dumbass rookie," exclaims the Caliber in an increasingly confrontational tone, "and your momma's so ugly, she gives Freddy Kruger nightmares."

The Nissan starts giggling lightly before chirping, "I'm thinking your big bulky friends will fit easy in me."

Rolling its headlights backward, the Caliber turns to the Toyota RunX. "And why you so darn quiet, you afraid a me too?"

To which the other Jap calmly enters the argument, "I say none of you will come close to sales volume I achieve this month, you two don't ha' Toyota badge." The Nissan starts chuckling again as the Dodge butts in, "Need I remind y'all, I'm the first crossover in your silly little C-segment class - who wants a bland-as-swamp-dirt, ordinary hatch or sedan when they can have something bold and courageous like me. Them buyers gonna drop you like one hot potayda you m*&!# f&$#%."

Just then, the CIA tester steps in. "Now guys, let's keep things orderly - you're here to be assessed, not to engage in verbal thuggery. I'll make the judgements here, and yes, I'll agree that the Caliber is the boldest looking vehicle here by far, and I'm sure it'll win the interior game too." "But first, are you guys up for a race?" the tester casually asks as he straps the testing equipment to each vehicle.

"Yee ha," exclaims the Caliber "I got more power than y'all. I'll blow your dayung doors clean off with them 110kW I got, I'll sure tear up that Tiida and make RunX look like it's walking."

At this point, the RunX butts in with bubble-bursting vigour. "You big and heavy, Yankeeboy. My power to weight is lot betta - even Tiida more than yours." There's a certain tension in the air as the contenders rev their 1.8-litre 16-valve engines and as the signal sounds, they sprint to the 100km/h mark. To everyone's surprise, the Tiida gets there first by clocking 10.2 seconds, but the others aren't trailing too far. Same story with the quarter mile and the 80 to 120km/h tractability test, except here the Caliber is miles off. "Its gear ratios are really too long," the tester remarks. "It's hard enough just getting to 120, and it ran out of road before it could even finish the 120 - 160km/h run."

"What ta matta," screams the Tiida, "you want downsize fries with that?" Before the Caliber could get a Sushi curse in, the CIA tester takes a spin in each car over a rutted stretch of road and one with some decent corners. Tiida's up first and the tester finds its ride to be generally good and though a tad firm, shock absorbsion proved good. Around corners, Tiida proves rather fun to drive, with loads of grip, good steering feel and surprisingly little body roll for the tallest car here. Like the Tiida, the RunX feels slightly stiff, but it takes bumpy tar in its stride and though agile enough through bends, there's a bit too much body roll.

The softly suspended Caliber proves best at damping out all harshness of the road, but its bounciness over uneven surfaces loses it some marks. "Why, you look like Jack-in-box," the Tiida chuckles. Still, the Caliber's turn-in and grip levels exceed the tester's expectations and body roll is minimal, but the car's weight, power shortage and lack of steering feel means it's not much fun to throw around corners. Its gearshift is also too notchy.

As the tester's pondering these dynamic traits, the Tiida swings open its rear doors "Look how much space I have, when you talk for interiors?"

Walking towards the Calibre, the tester yells, "be patient, I'm getting to that now," as he walks towards the Calibre. The American is the longest and widest vehicle here by quite a margin and our tester's expecting a huge interior. "Not bad," he exclaims while sussing out the amount of space available - he first sets a comfortable driving position and then climbs into the back. He finds there's more than enough room for occupants but somehow it's not as big as it looks from the outside. At least the boot is nice and long, if a little too shallow, but it can allegedly swallow 523 litres - far more than the 289 figure that Toyota and Nissan throw around.

Taking a closer inspection of the front cabin, the tester is struck by the bright blue central facia, and seat trim that matches the exterior paint. "It looks like a casino in here."

"If you don't like it you ain't got taste, dull home boy," chirps the Caliber, "but I got that Sport and Sound package - big subwoofer and speakers that fold down from the tailgate - nothing rocks the 'hood like me at 'em street parties, man. If you want plain Mary Jane, best you check out the luxury package with them heated leather seats, but you pay more for the audio stuff."

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