Smooth operator

I can’t pull the usual manoeuvre of comparing this car to its competitors. I mean, give me the latest diesel double-cab and I’ll write all about how it stacks up against other diesel double-cabs. But I just can’t with the S8.

Audi’s archenemies are BMW and Mercedes-Benz. Naturally. But BMW doesn’t build an M7 (although I think they should), and Merc’s brutish S63 AMG will chow the S8 in nearly every department for breakfast. Forget about the S65!

The S8 is an enigma. It stands alone, humbly minding its own business. Sure there are 7-Series and S-Classes that put out similar kilowatts, but it’s still not a fair fight. To me anyway. Pitting an S8 against its fellow Germans would be like entering Miss Universe in one of those Miss Fitness America pageants you see on ESPN, where these walking steroid capsules bounce around on stage in shiny pink bikinis. For those of you who didn’t get that – Miss Universe is the whole package, while Miss Fitness is all about muscle.

No, the S8 isn’t the fastest limo. And it’s not the most powerful either. And it doesn’t come with night vision, massaging seats or adaptive cruise control either. But it does come with something that you can’t get elsewhere. And it’s almost as impossible to describe as god to your kids. Audi calls it ‘Vorsprung’.

Being a self-proclaimed Audi fan, I know what they mean by it. And any real gear head will most likely choose an S8 over a 7-Series or S-Class too. But it’s very difficult to say why. What I do know for certain is that the S8 comes standard with a sort of exclusivity about it. You’re more likely to spot Osama riding a unicorn in traffic, than another S8.

What a sexy car if I do say so myself. And with a Lamborghini’s collaboration for its V10 powerplant to top it all off. Yummy.

Honestly, you’ll struggle to get the big Audi to the next robot ahead of a 330, and it wont exactly smoke the tyres being quattro and all. But, it will overtake a GTI on the motorway at the drop of a hat. This 5.2-litre ten is more about smoothness than gut wrenching acceleration, despite the fact that Audi claims 5.1 seconds to a hundred. A bit ambitious maybe, but with our equipment logging 6.7 seconds, it’s no slouch either. The way I see it, any car below seven seconds is a ‘fast’ car. Might have to change that to six soon though.

Just like Harley Davidson, it’s a case of ‘if you have to ask you’ll never know’. S8 is a magical car. I’ve had a soft spot for it since the movie 'Ronin' where an older model features as the car of choice for a getaway vehicle in some heist. The character responsible for driving it said something like: “We’ll need a big car. A heavy car. A fast car. An S8!” Legendary that. You can keep your GT500s and Eleanors. I’ll take the big, heavy and fast S8.