I have taken some time out over the last few weeks to really think back on my patterns. I'm not sure whether other serial daters out there do this, or even think about doing this, but it's my way of knocking on my own door and enquiring: "Lady, do you have any idea of what you have done in the past, and have you learned anything from it at all?"

I thoroughly believe I have.

I've dated, bedded, loved, fraternised with, and even lived with, too many men to not be aware of what's going on. Once you recognise a pattern — as in, "I think the guys I usually date are self-centred, unfeeling pricks", apparently you can change direction. Well...

A little different

I did. I met Florent the French 'do-I-date-him-don't-I' man for frog's legs at Chez Girard. The frog's legs were a further, "I will not order Norwegian salmon like I always do, I will break the pattern", attempt at doing things differently.

On recognising the types I tend to feverishly fall in love with, I tried something new: I'd date a man who is not from this country, who didn't attend some academy or private school or work at a bank, who hasn't been hanging around with the same friends doing the same thing since he was six years old, and who doesn't have a reputation for leaving broken hearts in his wake.

Those are the men that bring out the competitive side in me. They're a challenge. "This one might've cheated on his girlfriend, or lied repeatedly, or left when things got too close for his little brain to comprehend or process, so I'll be the one who is different! I'm so special — he'll be different with me!"

Will they ever change?

We always believe, or hope, or somehow convince ourselves that when we meet an attractive type, and there are sparks flying, clothes flying with the sparks, that all their previous bad behaviour won't be cast on us.

This goes for men and women. We want to be the all-consuming amazing person that makes that person better, more fulfilled, more loving, faithful.

Perhaps we are even a little hesitant in the beginning (having touched a hot stove before): "Now. I know all about you, Mister. You've slept with half the people in this town." You'll take things slowly, and you'll be tentative and sceptical, because you know that this person has the ability to hurt you, or even in extreme cases, break you.

No man has ever completely broken me, maybe because I know what I have got myself into. That's not to say I haven't whined: "But he said he loved me! I was different! Why am I crying?" One has to keep the blinkers off and the eyes wide open when going for 'The Type'.

Romantic yet real

So here I was, dining with a man older (at least five years older than myself), hoping that he would know a little something about himself. I have found 'The Type' has absolutely no idea of what he wants or who he is. He was foreign and therefore had a sense of pure, basic geography. Not the kind where we haul out maps and locate where in France he lives, but a sense of what goes where, and that the world is in fact not the same place everywhere.

He also had some interesting hobbies. One was tantric sex. He could stick his leg behind his ear, and he was aware of the pleasure he wanted and could give me in bed, before his own pleasure.

He had ideas, plans — and not all of these revolved around the next promotion at work or the next fuel-consuming car he was going to buy so that his friends would think he's hugely successful. His plans were romantic, and not to the point where I thought, "he wants to make love to me on a snowy hilltop. Did someone escape the hippie colony this morning?"

Romantic yet real — if there's such a thing…

Old habits die hard

The problem of course is that we go for 'The Type' because that's what we're attracted to. Sadly, 'The Type' usually gets us at our most vulnerable: after a few drinks, and when we're not thinking straight. Even further, it's what we're used to, and because we've done it so many times before, it's safe. We know how these types think, and therefore it's easy to fall for the same person over and over again.

So I was a bit annoyed with myself when, after a wonderful evening fuelled with Langue d'Oc wine and frog's legs that tasted like chicken, I didn't want Frenchie to come home with me.

I was attracted to him, perhaps, and I enjoyed speaking to someone who actually had a friggin' clue, but something was missing. Perhaps it was, "this man is perfect — where's the fun in that?" Compared to the usual, "this man is dangerous, here's a challenge for me".

But I won't give it up yet. I will meet with this man until I know what I'm actually feeling.

It's tough to break a pattern, like a habit. So if I can just get used to it, perhaps the outright attraction, sparks, chemistry, and all those impulsive heady things that make us want to jump their bones, will return.

I'm going to try and wait this one out...

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Your comments so far...

Sounds to me like you have either not met the right man or you are not ready for the 'perfect' relationship. Maybe you like the challenge, the unknown, even though you know at the end of the day you will get hurt. First decide what you want, then decide what kind of man you want.
Patrick

First of all I want to say that there is no such thing as perfect. No relationship can be 100 percent perfect all the time. They have their up and down times.
My advice to you is that you should give yourself some time alone. Think about exactly what you as a person want and dont get yourself stuck in something that you are not really committed to.
Tammy

An amazing article, so true to the point for so many of us females. Why oh why do we fall into this trap? And what about online dating? You think you'll meet a decent guy there — oh no, how many frogs one goes through?
Irrespective of age you get 'The Type' all over I've come to realise. And how can you tell what the decent type is?
Looking forward to the next article.
Anonymous