Sex after marriage?

A married couple might often feel that they are sitting on the sidelines looking in on singles having an abundance of sexual fun.

Singles will tell you about "going all night", losing track of time and space, growling like a lion, scratching, sweating, having multiple orgasms and generally being turned inside out.

The responsibility of a committed relationship, children and the juggling of work and domestic demands can sometimes crush the most passionate intentions. How can any dual career, child-trashed household still have time and energy for sex?

It's not just physical

Marriage is about the commitment to experience life together in intimate partnership. Within this framework sex can become the ultimate union of two people. It is the shared space that contains all that has developed between the couple on many levels, not just the physical.

Sex reflects the well-being of the union emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

We are multifaceted beings that simultaneously and continuously operate from all these levels. Although we cannot stop each of these levels from affecting us, we can choose which aspect will dominate during sex. For instance, many men will tell you that they somehow remove their emotions from the bedroom and that sex is a purely physical act satisfying a need for penetration, ejaculation and stress release.

Opening up and being present mentally, emotionally, physically and soulfully during sex brings safety which allows boundaries to blur and we experience a tumbling into ecstasy and bliss.

Constant juggling demands

Marriage and sex also involves a constant juggling of the demands and needs of the broader context of life.

The daily mundane demands and stressors pull us further away from the magic of relationship. A healthy and sharing relationship therefore must negotiate this constant shift between time together and our individual lives.

This is a core challenge in relationships: the balance between intimacy and autonomy.

Intimacy is not only about physical closeness. It's about talking, listening, understanding, having fun, laughing, experiencing life and friends together, and bonding on a deep soulful level. This kind of real connection is what we dream about: it allows us to express and feel deep love.

So if we want it so badly, why are so few of us able to sustain great sex within marriage?

It's all about intimacy

Sex is about being naked with your partner. In the beginning we may take this literally but soon being naked means a deeper exposure. To do this in a real and connected way means that you will feel vulnerable. Being vulnerable means revealing your core feelings and your authentic self. Most of us spend our lives running away from scary feelings.

I recently heard Donna Summer telling the story of the song "I love to love you baby". Getting in touch with this sexy, erotic and wild woman brought her to instant fame, yet also caused her to feel conflicted, isolated and overwhelmed. Eventually, in a desperate state she refused to ever perform that song live again. This is a metaphor for all of us.

We often lead lives desperate for connection, acceptance and understanding yet we walk around with our masks, showing only the good-looking sides of ourselves.

Being petrified to reveal your fat tummy, your bad breath, or your sexual shyness, is really about feeling inadequate. In the same way we hide our bodies we also hide our troubled, conflicted emotions and less than perfect thoughts. We are scared that we are unacceptable. However, it is the very opening up to these sides that deepens our connection and understanding of ourselves and allows our partner an opportunity to embrace the true essence of our beings.

As we mature the emphasis on physical attraction will tend to decrease, but should be replaced by a sexual relationship grounded in an intimate knowledge and trust of one another.

Sex becomes a reflection and expression of the love and playfulness between two people, an act driven less by physical attraction and more by a sense of soulful connection that can also bubble over into fun.

Advice...

• Relationship-health first. Write a list of the positive and negative aspects of your relationship and your emotional, mental and soulful needs. Do this in a positive, direct way without character assassinations. Swap the lists for tender discussion with understanding intent.

• Communicate. Talk to each other about sex, your likes and dislikes, where you like to be touched, what your fantasies are. But do this outside of the bedroom. There's a difference between rejecting an activity vs rejecting the person.

• Revamp. Focus on your own body realistically and encourage your partner to do the same. The happier you feel about your shape and health the more enthusiasm and self-acceptance you will bring into the bedroom. Check out your exercise, eating, drinking, smoking and relaxation.

• Learn to become sensual. Focus on your sense of smell, touch, taste and sight. Allow yourself to be taken by the sound of the sea, the feel of a breeze on your skin, touch leaves, moss, warm rocks and allow sand to run through your hands. Be conscious of bodily sensations when you stretch, swim, eat, dress or hug someone.

• Stimulate yourself. Sexually, mentally and physically. Discover what makes you sexy. Which books, which films, which thoughts, which fantasies. Think about and imagine sex. Let sex simmer. Educate yourself about arousal and genitals.

• Reinvent with fun. Experiment with different positions, do it outside, dance and sing together, play charades, dress up in fantasy roles, swap roles and laugh a lot. Go away for a weekend alone often. Be spontaneous and realise that 'quickie' can be fun. Have exclusive 'his' and 'hers' sexual nights.

• Rediscover romance and pampering. Set the scene with music, candles, fires, foam baths, soft scents, flowers, crisp cotton sheets and velvet down cushions. Selfishly enjoy pleasing sensations.

• It's more than orgasm. Take the focus off an end goal. Touch each other, bath each other, give each other facials and massages, stretch together. Be close through touch and affection. Make love without penetration.

• Understand the intimate versus independent continuum. Always being naked and around each other can bring too much familiarity. Experiment with using the bathroom at separate times, keep clothes on and try and recreate the mystery and fantasy of being a separate being who needs to be discovered. For example go on a date together and surprise each other with something novel and different.

This article has also appeared in Shape magazine.

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