Dealing with rage

Anger is the most seductive of the negative emotions. It is often energising and even exhilarating and when in the throws of it we feel powerful and completely justified.

I have heard stories from women about how they scaled high walls to shout at a boyfriend; kicked doors down after being locked out; shattered cherished objects or have not spoken to loved ones for years because of anger.

All of them came to regret these actions although at the time they seemed warranted.

Powerful and destructive

In the wake of the devastating terrorist attacks we have recently witnessed we have become acutely aware of how powerful, destructive and dysfunctional intense hate and anger can become.

If we want outcomes like peace and harmony we need to be aware of what we bring to a situation. Unbridled anger means the death of the possibility of love or connection in that moment.

Understanding anger

Anger is called the survival emotion and in it's positive form it can be a constructive aid to survival as it provides us with a boost of physical and emotional energy when we are in need of outer or inner protection. It's a natural and necessary response to physical threat or violation of our personal rights.

An important differentiation is between the emotional feeling associated with anger, the physical manifestation of it and the behaviour that ensues.

If someone suddenly bursts into your room, you will automatically react with intense energy surging through your body preparing you to defend yourself or run as fast as you can. It's really your emotional brain that takes charge by releasing catecholamines and other messengers into the body.

The difficulty occurs when you react in this 'survival' way during a personal confrontation. Say your partner walks out on you during an argument. It is not a "fight or flight" survival situation, but it will feel that way.

During such high arousal, our thinking or logical fore-brain responds a little slower than the emotional hind-brain.

We need to calm ourselves to allow the rational response to kick in, so that we can separate the feeling of anger from the expression of it and thereby control the outcome.

Anger can also be provoked by your internal mental processes. Worrying, brooding, fantasising about unjust acts (like a friend letting you down) or remembering past enraging events (like being abused) can trigger angry feelings. This will trap you in a state of full alert even though the event is long gone.

Anger has many faces

Anger can range from immobilising tension (when we feel numb) to simmering and brooding hostility, or from violent irrational rage to cool headed revenge.

It is useful to categorise people into three types: the passive-aggressive, the aggressive and the assertive person.

The healthiest category is the assertive one: you are direct, firm yet fair, set clear personal boundaries yet are also motivated, flexible and forgiving.

Most people use different styles of expressing angry feelings depending on their situation. You will have a dominant style and use the other two sometimes. To find out which style is dominant, visualise yourself as angry with a loved one.

Finding the source of your anger

Women are often inept at or fearful of handling their anger. We are taught from a young age that anger is bad and inappropriate. As women we often think if we stand up for ourselves we need to be aggressive and we fear being seen as hard or cold.

This often leads to women resorting to a manipulative or passive aggressive style of expressing anger which then gets us labelled as "nasty" or "dangerous".

If there was aggression or abuse during childhood then the memories of that trauma and repressed feelings like hate, will be triggered every time anger or the fear of it arises in the present.

Our premenstrual phase brings with it changes in mood and many discomforts that complicates our angry feelings. Some women experience extreme PMT and find themselves raging and out of control.

Although there are physiological explanations for this, if we continually suppress or disregard our anger generally, we will exacerbate the negative symptoms of PMT. Understood and handled appropriately and assertively anger can be a liberating, motivating and can even aid your self-confidence.

Managing your anger

• Give yourself permission to feel anger. You are not "bad". Healthy anger means that you are comfortable and in control of your feelings and actions.

• Unexpressed anger can lead to pathological expressions or you can turn it inward on yourself causing sickness or depression. Learn to identify and express your feelings sooner than later. Assertive anger means being direct, firm yet respectful.

• Get to know yourself and your triggers. Ask yourself: "Which of my rights are being disregarded? Am I projecting? Am I under general stress? Am I responsible in any way? Am I feeling fearful?" Know your personal rights and values so that you can set up self protective boundaries.

• Work out your deep wounds that may come from the past. What other emotions are tied in and why? Fears of rejection or being sidelined may feel like threats to your survival and therefore cause anger. Identify your inner child's anger. We cannot change the past, but we can change how we feel about it.

• Learn forgiveness. Of yourself and others. When we let go, we can reclaim the energy that is bound up in hating. Forgiveness does not mean that you condone the behaviour that wounded you.

• The cathartic action of giving vent to rage by shouting, swearing and lashing out, does not cool you down. It does the opposite, it pumps up your system. It does nothing to help you resolve the situation. It depletes you and causes pain, loss and mistrust (though if you are physically threatened this behaviour is appropriate).

• Learn relaxation through meditation, prayer or guided imagery. The easiest method is to breathe deeply while visualising a calming experience. Enjoy yourself and laugh tenderly.

• Listen and listen again instead of just being defensive. Try and hear the underlying message instead of jumping to conclusions.

• Change the way you think. You will be overly dramatic when angry. Intend yourself to move from the emotional brain to the higher functioning fore brain and allow yourself time to do this. Logic defeats anger.

• Stop being "nice". If you are so busy being nice you may disregard your true feelings. Being "nice" may prevent you from having a deep meaningful relationship with yourself and with your loved ones.

• Make a list of people you know you feel angry or bitter towards or avoid. Decide on a positive course of action now.

Remember that everyone who is engaged in hate is hurting deeply and as you give, you will receive.

This article originally appeared in Shape magazine