Are you too possessive?

After 4 years, it is time to take care of yourself and sort this out.

Focus on self first. The more we hold onto grudges, resentments, anger and hate towards others, the more we give our power away. So every time you boil over the ex, you lessen yourself.

Nobody is worth the damage you are doing to your precious self. You need to take your power back now — don't look for your man to fix it because then you'd be making a victim of yourself again.

You need to be mad enough (and loving yourself enough) to fix it and deal with yourself first.

Acknowledge that you feel jealousy, hate towards another, anger towards your man. Allow yourself to be honest with yourself.

Are you too possessive?

It's a natural tendency to protect those who we love and to fear their loss. Yet over-protectiveness results in possessiveness which doesn’t help, as you can never own another.

Clinging to another demonstrates your insecure needs and your inner fears. Holding onto someone in the name of love actually strangles their life force and often leads to loss of love.

We so often say that we need to be loved enough to feel safe. However if you feel insecure inside no one except yourself can help you to feel safe.

Find a way to love yourself. You cannot expect your man to fulfill your every need. Reassure yourself that you are enough and deserve to be loved.

Need for control

Over-possessiveness is a need to control your partner. Being controlling is the way we solve the problem of fear-the fear of not being important enough to be loved; or the fear of rejection, abandonment, or loss.

When you cannot admit to your fears you will resort to control. Control never actually solves the insecurity that underlies it. In fact what you resist, persists!

Your fears may come from our childhood especially if you were abandoned, let down, or left. Re-examine these past experiences and allow yourself to get in touch with the pain of them. Write the hurts down. Cry for yourself. Hug yourself. Talk to your closest girlfriend.

The threats that you are experiencing right now are really speculations. Your wounds from your past are casting shadows over the present. Decide to forgive and reclaim your energy that has been tied up in the past.

Use this energy to give love rather than focusing on trying to get and hold onto love.

What is a relationship to you? How you communicate your insecurities and resolve possessiveness demonstrates the health of the relationship.

A long term relationship needs: Friendship, honesty, understanding, care for each other, support, trust; it needs lots of talking and tons of listening, it needs mutual respect, lots of intimacy and it needs room for growth.

You need to be moving together towards a shared vision.

Sit with each other in a calm loving way. Remind each other that you should be on each other's side. You are not enemies. Any issue of the relationship occurs because of both of you. Agree to be open and loving in the conversation.

How does he react to your possessiveness and does this help or perpetuate it? Let him talk and try not interrupt. Listen.

Ask him to allow you to talk without stopping you. You cannot change each others view, nor demand that yours is right, but you can ask for understanding of your view.

Tell your partner the truth about your fears and hurts not only about your anger and hate.

How are you both going to allow individuality?

The biggest challenge is to find a way to balance togetherness with separateness; attachment with freedom.

When a pool is walled in the water becomes stagnant and putrid. It needs an inlet and an outlet. It needs flow.

Attachment gives us a sense of security but "walling in" our partner is a desperate and needy act in an attempt to secure our self esteem at the expense of another.

We all need flow and space for growth. The relationship may be your central concern, but you both need to maintain your identities too. Needy attachment tries to exclude everyone and every thing wanting only the fusion of two.

Love allows freedom and it cannot protect you from the pain of life.

And finally, the next time you feel possessive realise you need reassurance, ask for it directly or give it to yourself!

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