Help! He's a mommy's boy

My boyfriend (26) of two years is very close to his mother: he talks to her almost everyday and always asks her for advice. I am getting angry (maybe jealous) that she is always included.

We have spoken about moving in together but I'm worried about his mother attachment, as he seems to need her approval about this too.

Answer:

What is it about you that you are involved with an unavailable man? Why have you allowed yourself to compete for your boyfriend's attention for two years? Could it be that every time he is unavailable or is subtlety rejecting, you have tried harder to please him?

These are questions to help you look at yourself and discover why you are in this triangular relationship. I have found that mummy's boys often hang out with daddy's girls. They both think they are special and entitled to devotion.

I do however understand your frustration and will try and explain what you are dealing with.

Most mums want to remain connected to their adult children. A close family is one of the pleasures of life yet finding the right balance between support and dependence is key.

The good news is that a close, balanced and warm relationship with mum means that the man will be a sensitive, caring, affectionate and responsive partner.

On the other hand, a man entangled with his mother will find it difficult to have a healthy relationship with another woman.

You may feel second best or become frustrated by his emotional distance. A sure sign of an enmeshed mother-son relationship is if he turns to mum during all his major decisions or calls her much more than once a week.

An over-involved mother is exploitive. This is not about love; it's a narcissistic craving of an unfulfilled individual.

A son's relationship with his mother is a very complex one. As a child he needs her for his nurturance, comfort and love. When testosterone kicks in during his teens, his sexual impulses interferes with this physical closeness to mum and at the same time peer pressure demands that he cut the "apron strings" and "be a man".

In our western society this means that he must reject her unconditional caring in order to be strong and male. Often mum is the only tender person who fully accepts him and her loss can be emotionally overwhelming.

If the adults in his life handle this process with understanding and good boundaries, it can easily settle into a good wholesome adult connection. However, when mum is immature, needy or unfulfilled, a son becomes her link to a better life.

If the son gets his gratification from rescuing or pleasing mum, then an emotional co-dependence is set up. As an example: She could raise him to be her ideal man, her Little Prince, who is special, talented and perfect. His reward is constant praise, total acceptance and adoration. It's hard to resist this.

No matter what the origins, the mummy's boy loses his true identity and independence. He may seek to be mothered and adored by devoted women yet will always feel conflicted about being in love as his heart still belongs to mum.

These adult boys often find it hard to commit or take on responsibility and feel entitled to special attention. Deep underneath this is a fear and hate of this primal dependency because it hampers his maleness.

My advice:

• Examine yourself and your needs in relationships
• Talk to him openly and directly about your difficulties with the love triangle. No criticism, nagging or put downs, just the facts. If he accepts that there's a problem, then there is hope.
• Be understanding that your boyfriend may feel disloyal or guilty about changing allegiances from mum to you.
• Decide if you are prepared to mother this man as he may expect this.
• Look at the positives, as he probably is tender and caring.
• Do this together and see it as a relationship problem because you're probably attracted this man because of your own patterns and issues.

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