What rage really means

Mary (34) is in a committed relationship with John (40). Both are successful business people and they are planning to have a family together.

Mary's rages are explosive and she sometimes lashes out. John also gets heated and angry but has never hit Mary. He thinks its her fault but she wants him to admit his role and anger.

Answer:

This type of reactive anger is a sure sign of deep-seated emotional pain. It is a rage which is out of proportion to the content of the conflict. The intensity was so overwhelming for Mary that a simple argument became a fight to survive.

Why did Mary feel so threatened at the time that it became essential to be right, no matter what?

Why were these two almost destroying each other because a curtain was left open?

Staying focused on the event, the words or blaming and finger pointing will only keep this cycle of rage fuelled. John, although taken aback in the beginning, also got caught in this contagious charge of anger and was now yelling back.

It is essential that this couple go deeper and look at unfulfilled needs, deep seated painful or vulnerable feelings and take their relationship to a more real communication level.

This type of rage is a distraction from the real stuff that's being triggered. The thing that bothered me from the start is that Mary really identified with this part of herself. She had got used to it and could rage, yell and move on.

John had never seen himself as an angry person and so continually felt deeply disappointed when he yelled back and the only way out was to see it as Mary's fault.

He was beginning to be on guard all the time. They experienced the anger differently but as long as they stayed in the position of "locked horns" the relationship would never be neither safe, nor light and free.

Some advice that they could try to help them get out of the stalemate and mess:

• Understand that anger is a survival emotion that triggers when we are threatened. It's a defensive pattern. Ask which unfulfilled needs lie under the need to "win" (eg. the need to be seen as right and perfect).

• Accept conflict in relationships as normal since people have different needs, views, opinions and perceptions which need to be heard and accepted. This makes life and love interesting and challenging.

• Focus on bodily sensations and deeper feelings before the rage kicks in. Vulnerable feelings are being awoken. Often a fight to win is an attempt to gain self worth, reflecting the inner child within who tried to be perfect in order to get approval or love.

• Breathe and use calming techniques or take "time out" when you first feel the impulses rising.

• Take responsibility and be accountable for your behaviour: do this by monitoring it and observing all aspects of it. Is it cyclical, what triggers it, and what is the result?

• Be more conscious. Stay present and in the moment. This is your past continually creeping up and will also be your future until you choose differently. Do not identify with this negativity. You are more than your ego and destructive emotion. You are your soul too.

• See this as an opportunity to deepen your relationship and become a more complete person.

This article originally appeared in Marie Claire magazine.

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