Coping with the pain of abuse

I had a normal upbringing and was a sensitive child, though very outgoing and friendly. There have been three incidents of abuse in my life. The first was when I was twelve and a friend’s 60-year old grandfather molested me.

A year later three guys in my class asked if they could come round to my place to do homework. The attention was flattering so I agreed. Two of them pushed me molested me while the other looked on and laughed. I was filled with self-loathing and thought I deserved everything I got.

When I was fifteen my parents got divorced, I started playing up at school and became very aloof, cold and angry. Shortly after that my older brother died. My mother and I were at loggerheads; we were the only ones left in the house.

A year later I was waitressing and six really drunk teenage guys came into the restaurant. I knew one of them and told them they were too drunk to drive home — my parents were away and I offered them to stay over.

They arrived at 4:30am; I showed them to their rooms and went back to sleep. I woke up with a guy on top of me... I remember the smell of stale beer but I don't remember fighting or struggling.

I came around when his dead weight woke me up. Eventually I managed to get him off me and I remember crying and blood running down my legs.

In my last year of school I was sporty and popular but there was a full-scale war going on inside me. One day I got hysterical in class. I was taken to a doctor who put me on tranquilisers and Prozac at 16.

Two years after that I couldn’t handle the heaviness anymore and it was then that the real healing began. From 18 to 28 I went through psychotherapy and many other forms of healing. I realised that I came from a very dark side of sexuality.

I'm now more comfortable with myself, though I haven't been in a real relationship for four years and I still can't handle it when a man comes onto me.

The men that I have tried to become involved with are either involved themselves or have just come out of marriages or very serious relationships. They're so wrapped up in their own stuff that they can't see me and often they're completely disinterested.

I know that if I choose unavailable men I won't have to open my heart and be vulnerable. My father wasn't an emotional person and I grew up desperately wanting his love - perhaps that's when the pattern started.

Answer:

This woman is not alone when she faces the emotional impact of child molestation and rape — as many as 1 in 3 women experience the trauma of sexual harassment.

She experienced a crime of dominance and control by an older man and later humiliation and violation by teenage boys. She may have made a poor decision in inviting drunken boys over to stay but this does not make rape her fault.

Most women and children are raped by someone they know. She experienced the ultimate loss of power over her life at an impressionable age.

This coupled with an emotionally unavailable father has lead to her emotional difficulties around men, as well as cognitive distortions that spur her on to seek out unhealthy relationships.

Like many rape survivors, she often blames herself and feels guilty and ashamed.

Her "inner child" feels unsafe and desperately needs to be loved by a man.

Unfortunately for her, love and sex have become mixed up and her inner child keeps feeling attracted to unavailable or rejecting men.

She may be hoping that the abuser will finally say he is wrong and that he loves her after all which will give her back her belief in men and control over her life again.

It's difficult for Ashley to approach a man without putting up all sorts of defences or engaging in sabotaging or compulsive behaviour.

My advice

• Be aware that your core belief is: "men are unsafe, but I so want their love", which sets up a conflicting message every time you meet a man.
• Allow yourself to feel the deep pain of your "inner child" so that you begin to understand why you defend yourself from relationships in so many ways.
• Use your inner wisdom to remind yourself what a healthy relationship is. One that involves respect, open communication, trust and care.
• From your relationship patterns you realise that you experience cognitive distortions where you mix up sex for love and often pursue a "rejecter" hoping that he will eventually love you or that you can finally get your life control back.
• Always affirm yourself and remind yourself that you are beautiful and unique and that none of the abuse was your fault. Direct your anger at who it belongs to: the perpetrators and not at yourself.
• Get involved in healing work and surround yourself with loving, kind and caring friends.

This article originally appeared in Marie Claire magazine

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