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Today, 20 November 2008

» More than just Cope-ing

» Pitbull attack perspective

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» SABC favours Cope - ANC

Yesterday, 19 November 2008

» Luke not worth the trouble

» More than just Cope-ing

» Stop your whining!

» 'Blue light gang' slammed

» Bok jumps to the right

Unless you're up at the sharp end of the plane, flying is generally not a particularly fun way to travel, so we've thrown squashed some of the best airline jokes and tall tales around. Now settle back into your cramped economy class seat and enjoy...

• An airline pilot wrote that his airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."

  On this particular flight he had hammered his plane into the runway really hard, so so he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

  Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma’am," said the pilot, "What is it?"

  The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

• Cabin announcement: "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child... pick your favourite."

• After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came on the loudspeaker...

  "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. Once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

• A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom:

  "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax...'Oh my God!'"

  Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

  A passenger in economy piped up: "That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

• Coming into land after one rather rough flight, I noticed the gentleman next to me getting a bit nervous. We made a few missed approaches and the voice of the captain came over the intercom: "Sorry Ladies and Gentleman, it seems to be a bit rough at the moment but we are going to go around for another try."

  At this the gent next to me became even whiter and, trying to reassure him as I am a frequent flyer, I turned to him and said: "Don't worry, I am sure they know what they are doing." To which he turned to me and said, "You don't understand, I am a pilot and I knowwhat they are doing"

• "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. If you look out of the window on the port, or left, side of the aircraft you will see that the inner engine is on fire just below the fuel tanks in the wing.

  "If you look out at the starboard, or right, wing you will observe that a widening crack has developed at the wing root, making it unlikely that the wing will remain attached to the fuselage.

  "If you look down at the surface of the sea over which the aircraft is flying, you will notice a small orange dot. This is a life-raft. In it are your co-pilot, your flight engineer and myself. This has been a recorded announcement. Please enjoy the rest of your flight."

• A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single ticket agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

  The agent replied: "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

  The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

  Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

  With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F&$# you!"

  Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too."

• The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world.
  • A DC-10 landed too fast and taxied a long way down the runway before it was able to turn towards the terminal.

    San Josè Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."

  • O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."

    United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that little Fokker in my sights."

  • A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

    Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
    Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
    Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
    Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"