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How to beat the bullying
Rebekah Kendal
Posted Wed, 25 Jun 2008
Bullies, unfortunately, can be found everywhere. From the oversized kid who used to steal your lunch and give you wedgies to the popular girl who spread nasty rumours and the restaurant manager on a power-trip who made your life as a waitron hell.
Yip, everyone has come across at least one bully at some point in their life. But this does not mean that you need to accept bullying as an inevitable fact of life. Bullying can leave emotional scars that last a lifetime, and in a few sad cases can even lead to the child attempting or committing suicide (known as 'bullycide').
The bullies too carry the consequences of their actions into adulthood. As juveniles they are more likely to behave in other delinquent behaviours such as vandalism, shoplifting, truancy and illicit drug use. As adults they are more likely to engage in criminal behaviour, be abusive towards their spouses and have aggressive children.
Clearly bullying is not something which should simply be ignored and brushed off as a natural part of growing up. The victims of bullying are generally too scared or humiliated to speak about their ordeal. So how do you know if your child is being bullied and what can you do to make it stop?
We look at why bullies behave the way they do, what makes certain children (and subsequently adults) easy targets and what you can do about it.
What exactly is bullying?
Put simply, bullying involves largely unprovoked and intentional efforts to harm another person. It involves repeated negative actions by one or more persons against another and it usually involves an imbalance of physical, psychological or social power.
On the whole, boys tend to resort to physical (punching, shoving, poking, beating, biting, kicking) and verbal (hurtful name-calling, teasing) bullying, while girls tend to use indirect emotional bullying. This can involve spreading rumours about the victims, manipulating relationships or socially ostracising the victim.
What makes a bully?
Bullies all have one thing in common and that is the need to dominate others in order to feel important. The reasons for this however vary from one bully to the next and could be a result of any of the following:
There are also other traits that are common to most bullies. The first is an inability or unwillingness to view things from the perspective of another (therefore 'empathy' tactics usually fall flat). The second is an uncanny ability to choose their victims.
There are three basic categories of bullies — aggressive bullies, passive bullies and bully-victims.
Aggressive bullies:
This is the archetypal lunch-box-stealing bully. They tend to be physically stronger than other children, impulsive, confident, belligerent and lacking in empathy for others.
Passive bullies:
Far less popular than the aggressive bully, the passive bully waits for someone else to initiate a bullying interaction and then joins in. They generally have a low self-esteem and few likeable qualities. They will align themselves with a more powerful aggressive bully.
Bully-victims:
The bully-victim is a link in the bullying chain. Bullied by those more powerful than themselves, they in turn pick on weaker victims.
What makes a victim
In the same way that there are traits which make a bully, there are also traits which make a victim. Most importantly, they lack self-confidence. A confident individual is more likely to refuse to partake in the bully's game. A person with a low self-esteem on the other hand, will see the bully's taunts or criticisms as confirmation of their own feelings of inadequacy.
The second, but less important, factor that singles someone out as a potential bully victim is 'being different'. If the bully sees that the victim has a trait that might be considered unpopular or unusual by the majority, they will try to exploit the victim's fear of not being accepted. This 'difference' can fall anywhere between race and religion to weight and hair colour.
As with bullies, there are also specific categories of victims – passive victims and provocative victims. Obviously, bully-victims fall under both categories.
Passive victims:
Making up the majority of victims, passive victims are
generally socially withdrawn, anxious and fearful. They have fewer friends than other children (which makes them easier targets) and tend to be more nervous about new situations.
Provocative victims:
Provocative victims are more confusing because they are both anxious and aggressive. They are not particularly well-liked as they are immature and tend to have irritating habits. They unconsciously provoke victimisation and can be hot-tempered and clumsy in their attempts to fight back.
Is your child being bullied?
Because children rarely tell their parents or teachers if they are being bullied — either because they are too ashamed or sacred or because they don't think that the adults will be able to make the bully stop — it is up to you to look out for signs that your child is being bullied.
What can you do?
The first step if you suspect your child is being bullied is to talk to them about it. Don't put them on the spot as this might make them feel like they are being interrogated and may alienate them.
Assure them that you are they for them if they want to talk about it and when they do start talking, make sure that you listen without interrupting or belittling their concerns. Take your child's word for it as they are not very likely to make up stories about being bullied, but be careful not to overreact or get too worked up.
Explain to your child that bullying is a sign of weakness and not one of strength. Assure your child that you are going to help them, but also ask them for their ideas on what could be done to solve the problem. It will empower your child to be part of the solution to the bullying problem.
Before reporting the incident to the school, practise strategies with your child to avoid further victimisation. This should include working on his or her self-confidence and social skills (you are less likely to be bullied if you have friends).
Short-term solutions:
Encourage your child to partake in physical training or sport. Better co-ordination leads to less body anxiety and more self-confidence. If you child is a victim of physical bullying it is also a good idea to send them on a self-defence course.
If the bullying is serious enough to warrant adult intervention, report it to the school and make sure that they follow up on the matter. Report the matter to your child's class teacher or the school's guidance counsellor. The school is responsible for making sure that your child feels safe within the school environment and many schools have policies on how to deal with bullying. It is better to work through the school than to contact the bully’s parents directly.
Keep an eye on your child in order to assess whether things are getting better or worse. If you feel unequipped to deal with your child's problem or that they are in danger of harming themselves, get professional help.
