Today, 20 April 2008

Yesterday, 19 April 2008

Question
My friend recently went through a divorce and I suspect he is suffering from depression.

How do I help him overcome this on a personal level? I know he will be making an appointment to see a doctor, but how do I cope with this and not take his rejections personally?

What would the right approach be?

Answer
I think most people who have been through this themselves would simply say: be there, be a friend, don't take things personally that are not meant personally. In other words, do more of what you're doing already.

If you pay careful attention, you'll know when frustration, anger and rejection are talking, you'll get to recognise their ugly voices, and that will help you not to "take it personally" (where Personal means an attack or whatever that is specifically intended to hurt YOU).

You'll also learn to avoid being "caught in the crossfire" of emotions and inner conflicts, which will make it easier to be around him as well.

Not feeling responsible to fix everything for him, which can't be done, frees you to do what CAN be done.

So be a listener, let him know you hear what he says and that you care, and won't easily be put off or easily recruited into appointing yourself a judge. There is something about divorce that does seem to invite the people around to put on their judge's wig, to take sides, and all the rest.

It wouldn't be surprising if the hurt attached to that leaves him feeling even more prickly than ever. It may be hard on his relationships when he prickles at people, but worse things could happen. His true friends will stand by him, and it sounds like you plan on being one of those!

At a time like this, one needs friends with broad shoulders, and it seems as if - in you - he has that. Along with lots of listening and being ready with suggestions for things to do at times which might be lonely, you could ask questions that are open and which invite further communication.

For example: What is that like? What does that say about you? How do you manage to get through the bad times? What takes you out of it all, even momentarily? - and so on.

Such questions don't impose or demand but offer positive opportunities to talk about it and be heard. If he does go to his doctor, I hope that the doctor has the sense to listen as well and to realise that this is a natural crisis which will resolve in due course, not an illness.

The doctor too should offer a listening ear and, if possible, referral to a Divorce Recovery support group. He may be helped by an antidepressant if the situation has really got him "down and out", but it could spell disaster if tranquillisers or sleeping tablets are prescribed - so maybe just keep your ear to the ground in that area, and encourage him to check up on the background and side effects of any medication that is suggested before he takes it.