For most, minor traffic violations and incompetent service cause some gnashing of teeth, a desire to shout at the perpetrator and perhaps the occasional expletive. On the whole however, we contain our urge to throw a tantrum (or piece of crockery) and continue our day, albeit with a grumpy air of having been wronged.

But there are those among us, who at the slightest provocation, find themselves ripping the windscreen wiper off the car of the old lady who veered into their lane and throwing pot plants and vases at their spouse who accidentally dyed all the washing pink.

Okay, so perhaps I'm being a little facetious, but anger management is nevertheless a serious issue. If you find yourself being controlled by your anger and responding in ways which you may later (when you’re a little calmer) describe as 'excessive' or 'hurtful', it might be a good time to consider some anger management strategies.

Understanding anger

Anger, which incorporates a range of emotions from mild irritation to blinding rage, is characterised by a number of physiological changes — an increase in heart rate, blood pressure and levels of adrenalin and noradrenalin. According to the American Psychological Association (www.apa.org/topics/controlanger.html), the natural response to anger is aggression, because it allows us to defend ourselves when attacked.

And while beating every annoying git with a club may have been acceptable to Neanderthals, laws, social norms and respect for others tend to curb our aggression. We deal with anger in one of three ways: we express it, suppress it, or try to physically calm ourselves down.

Uncontrolled expression of anger can result in smashed pot plants and broken windscreen wipers. The healthiest way to express your anger is to do so assertively (not aggressively). Make your needs clear without hurting the other person.

Suppressing your anger may seem like a viable solution if you shy away from confrontation. However, there are two possible pitfalls with this approach. The first is that your suppressed anger could turn inwards on yourself, causing a host of physiological and psychological problems. The second is that you may become passive-aggressive, 'getting back' at people indirectly, or developing a permanently hostile attitude.

The third approach is to reverse the process of getting angry by physically calming your body down and waiting for the angry feelings to subside. This can be done through breathing or relaxation exercises.

Anger management strategies

Anger fuels itself — the more you shout and scream and fume; the more angry and aggressive you'll become. The trick is to interrupt your anger and break the escalating pattern.

Relaxation exercises are a good way to keep your anger in check. You can do daily relaxation exercises, yoga or practise meditation to ensure that you are less stressed. A calm person is less likely to lose control than one who is chronically stressed.

Take a deep breath

Alternatively, you can learn to relax when faced with a situation or person who angers you. Take a few deep measured breaths as you feel the anger arising. If it helps, you can pair these soothing breaths with a mantra — a word which reminds you to calm down. Not only will this slow the physiological reaction, it will also give you time to clear your mind and re-evaluate the situation.

If breathing is not enough, it might help to visualise a relaxing experience — sitting in a forest or on a still beach. Practise this visualisation process at times when you are not angry, so that the imagery and the calming emotions it evokes are fixed firmly in your mind.

Do a body scan — check if your fists are clenched, your shoulders are hunched or if you are frowning. Starting at your feet and working your way up your body, consciously relax any stiff or clenched muscles. By forcing your body to relax, you will have more control over your physiological response to the anger.

Talk about it

Good communication is imperative when it comes to managing your anger. Slow down and think carefully over what you are about to say. It is easy to get caught up in your anger and say something hurtful or inaccurate — as clichéd as it may seem, 'counting to 10' can be useful.

Listen carefully to your own thoughts and what the other person has to say. Sometimes the underlying cause of the anger is not accurately reflected by the words. Are you angry because your partner didn’t wash his coffee cup, or are you angry because he stayed out late drinking with his friends the night before? Be careful to address the real cause of your anger or it will continue to fester.

Change the way you think

We like to stoke our anger with a barrage of sanctimonious thoughts. Variations of 'he always does that', 'I've been wronged' and 'I never do that' abound. Logic flies out the window and in a state of righteous indignation you spurt out irrational generalisations.

The trick to combating this silliness and unnecessary aggression is banish words like 'always' and 'never'. Shouting "you occasionally leave dirty cups in the sink" doesn't have quite the same ring to it. There's nothing like accurate vocabulary to put your anger into perspective.

Remind yourself that the cause of your anger is not the result of some cosmic conspiracy. Everybody stands in long queues, sits in traffic and is subjected to bureaucratic incompetence. Don’t take it personally and you’re less likely to become angry.

Regardless of whether you fume silently, punch your pillow or throw vases, these anger management strategies will have a positive effect on both your health and your relationships with others. If however, you still find yourself struggling to control your anger and your reactions, you should seek professional help.

Useful link:
The Anger and Stress Management Centre of South Africa (www.anger.co.za)