In my 'Dictionary of Drink' I find the definition of a hangover given as: 'Indisposition due to a heavy bout of drinking', which is rather like describing World War Two as 'a spot of bother', or the nuking of Hiroshima as 'a rather nasty little bang'.

Most of us who take our drinking seriously have experienced at least one genuine, eighteen carat hangover in our lives.

There can be few afflictions quite as dreadful as a full-blooded hangover. Your dried brains rattle painfully against the sharp edges inside your skull and your tongue tastes as though a small animal has died in your mouth a month ago. You'd like to spit the little bugger out, but you suspect the rest of you will follow it if you do.

You're afraid to get up from your bed because you know the action will cause violent motion sickness.

Indisposition? Hah!

Whole books have been written on hangover cures, few of which actually work. Humorist Robert Benchley was pretty close to the mark when he said: "The only real cure for a hangover is death."

Some painful research

But after many years of very painful research I am able to reveal that there are a few ways in which to reduce the suffering.

The obvious one, which the sufferer will probably do without any persuasion or prompting, is to stay in bed with the curtains tightly drawn until it all goes away.

Do-gooders claim that vitamins B and C help to detoxify the liver in these cases. Is this a sensible thing to tell somebody who's dying?

Experienced drinkers know that when it comes to a hangover, prevention is far better than cure. This does mean, more or less, that you have to plan for your hangover in advance. (Yeah, right!)

Courtesy of...
Good Taste Magazine
One good rule is to drink plenty of water during your drinking session. Alcohol is a diuretic and the drying out is a major part of a hangover's agony. My Jewish friends assure me that chicken soup helps to prevent hangovers too. Apparently, it replaces lost liquid and coats the stomach lining with a protective layer of schmaltz. If they are to be believed, chicken soup cures everything from haemorrhoids to home-sickness; and possibly broken hearts too.

Fructose helps to burn up alcohol, and bread is quite a good source of fructose. Another slice or two during the evening might reduce the chances of a bad hangover, or at least soften the agony.

A paracetamol tablet taken with plenty of water before going to bed is often helpful. But it's not much use once you've developed the hangover. It has to be taken before you sleep.

Some hardened drinkers offer truly horrendous 'cures' involving Worcestershire sauce, raw eggs, pepper and other unspeakable ingredients. The only benefit I can see from this is that it will probably empty the stomach very rapidly and rather messily. Nobody with a real hangover could look a raw egg in the eye and live.

The only real answer

The real answer, of course, is to drink in moderation so the problem doesn't arise in the first place. However, I know — and you know — that this advice is unlikely to find universal favour.

For some of us, hangovers are as inevitable as death or Eskom power cuts. We have no option but to pay our dues and accept them as payment for what has gone before.

As for that ridiculous thing about the 'hair of the dog that bit you', I don't buy it. It was dreamed up by the fellow who said: "It's not being drunk that hurts. It's the times between being drunk. Eliminate those and it doesn't hurt at all."