The Amazing Return

After a very prolonged absence, 'The Amazing Race' is finally back! Hooray! It’s been so long, I momentarily forgot what happened in the last season. Or maybe my mind wilfully repressed all memory of those damn Hippies. Thanks, mind!

Like an old friend, Phil greeted us from the rainy streets of Seattle and introduced us to our new set of teams. My excitement over having 'TAR' back was such that I was even happy to see the annoying mainstays like the vapid pretty boys and girls, and the obligatory Bickering Couple I Will Want To Kill After Five Minutes. This time it took me seven whole minutes before I wanted to kill the latter.

This season is one of the most diverse yet. Not only are there various people of all races, creeds, and sexualities but there are also not one but two separate pretty girl/boy teams and even a chick with only one leg. The first few minutes saw the introduction of the following teams:

Peter and Sarah: Friends. She’s the Heather Mills type except without the gold-digging tendencies, oodles of money or German porn past. I think. You never know.

Bilal and Sa’eed: Friends with beards (not the Katie Holmes variety). Muslim dudes who like to praise Allah. That’s really all I got out of the whole fifteen minutes they lasted. Can you imagine if Ma Weaver was on this season?

Rob and Kimberly: Dating douchebags. He says she’s the controlling type. OK, I lied about being happy to see the bickering couple. I hated them from second one.

Dustin and Kandice: Beauty Queen friends. Blonde and slightly toothier Blonde. They haven’t mentioned either world peace or how people would underestimate them because of their looks, so that’s a plus.

David and Mary: Married. He’s a coalminer who may or may not have the Black Lung, she’s a housewife without a dental plan. Trust me, you can tell.

Erwin and Godwin: Brothers and Wins. Self-described Meatheads. I would have given the Meathead title to another team but if they really want to claim it, it’s theirs.

Duke and Lauren: Father and Daughter. He gets weepy over the fact that she’s a big ol’ lesbian. Why? It’s not like she’s even dating some scary tattooed biker chick with a record.

Vipul and Arti: Sweet Marrieds. Completely unable to follow directions and lasted all of one episode. Seem to like ironic T-shirts.

Kellie and Jamie: Cheerleader friends. As stereotypical as they seem. These are actually the clueless pretty girls that Dustin and Kandice initially seem to be.

Tyler and James: Models and former druggies. Drug abuse? In the entertainment industry? Well I never!

Lyn and Karlyn: Friends and Lyns. Single mothers brought together by their creepily similar names.

Tom and Terry: Gay couple who kind of look alike. Not the guys from 'Survivor', unfortunately.

Got that? Good. Phil raised that starting eyebrow and they were off. The first destination was Beijing. Woo, human rights abusers represent! Bilal and Sa’eed gave a shout-out to Allah. Somewhere Ma Weaver’s toes are curling.

Rob and Kimberly immediately got into argumentative mode. Five whole minutes into the show and they’re already at each other’s throats. I can just tell they’re going to be loads of fun.

At the airport, Jamie and Kellie did their best to dispel stereotypes about cheerleaders being dumb as they wondered whether Bilal and Sa’eed worshipped Buddha. Just remember; there are no stupid questions… but there are stupid cheerleaders. Hey, they did say they were fond of talking to doorknobs.

Wow, an instance of massive cultural idiocy and the teams weren’t even out of the US yet. To Beijing they went, as I salivated over the potential cultural D’oh moments to come.

The first task was to find The Gold House Restaurant and eat some fish eyes. A gross eating challenge already? The show usually waits until at least midway through the season until it pulls this 'Fear Factor' crap. Fish eyes may look icky but they can’t taste half as bad as they look because no-one threw up.

Dustin and Kandice’s cab driver could just not find the Gold Restaurant. Maybe he was colourblind? Meanwhile Mary and David tried to communicate with their taxi driver by quacking in terribly mangled Chinese. I can’t wait until they do their chicken impersonations in Mongolia.

The next clue told the teams to go to the Forbidden City and find a specific gate where they had to choose a whole bunch of departure times as Chairman Mao watched from the wall like some less moustachey Big Brother. Er…the '1984' kind, not the naked reality show kind.

But sneaky Phil and sneaky Mao had a nasty surprise in store. There were only 11 departure times and one envelope marked “The Last Team”. Ominous. I could almost hear the thunder when they showed it.

Bilal and Sa’eed were the unlucky stragglers to come in twelfth and have to present Phil and Mao with the dreaded envelope. They were immediately eliminated. That’s just harsh. Phil got mean since we last saw him.

Sa’eed and Bilal lamented the fact that they couldn’t ever control what the Creator does. Yep, Bruckheimer giveth and he taketh away. The teams bid the Beards a sad farewell as they walked back to Buddha or whoever the hell it is they worship. Goodbye, Beards. We hardly knew ye or your facial hair.