When Rob and Kimberly found out they were the only ones on the earliest flight, the Smug re-emerged. "We're going to win," Rob announced confidently, not realising that there were still ten minutes of episode left and he had just booked second place with that comment. Sure enough, Tyler and James managed to get on the same flight at the last moment.

The Lyns watched that flight, as well as any hopes they had of winning, leave. "I've starved so much on this race, I'm not even a fat lady so I'm not singing," Lyn joked, just before she and Karlyn slipped into total irrelevance. At least they got to go out with a joke. Now where's that angel with its new wings?

Spy vs. Spy

New York, New York. The Zoolanders' taxi driver knew exactly where their next destination was but Rob and Kimberly's did not, so the latter team decided they would play Spy vs. Spy and follow that taxi. A chase scene ensued. Think Bond only with fewer bullets, gadgets, stunts or suggestively-named women. What it did have was lots and lots of dramatic music. My nerves! Eventually the Zoolanders cab lost the Rob and Kimberly cab at a toll road.

At the next Route Marker, the Zoolanders learned they were going to have to run thirty blocks to a boxy statue in East Village called The Alamo. That's right, feel the burn! The Zoolanders jogged and tried not to die. I felt sorrier for the cameramen. Can you imagine lugging all that heavy equipment after the teams? I hope they hit up Jerry Bruckheimer for a big raise after this.

At the precariously-balanced boxy statue, they received their last clue — drive to some snooty academy called St Basil's and cross that finish line. The Zoolanders were clearly ahead so the editors tried to inject a bit of suspense. Tyler and James' taxi-driver didn’t quite know where the Pit Stop was while Rob and Kimberly’s seemed much more on top of it.

Would the Zoolanders' car accidentally drive 300km in the entire wrong direction? They resigned themselves to their fate and said (for the umpteenth time this episode) that it was all up to God. This is new. When did they become Models 4 Jesus? The editors couldn't have found the time to squeeze this whole third aspect of their personalities onto the show?

In the Rob/Kimberly car, Rob was telling us: "This is agony" just as there was a close-up shot of Kimberly's face looking kind of busted. Unintentionally humorous editing, how I love thee.

The end of the road

Cue shots of the finish line. Cue shots of former contestants (75 percent of which seemed to be either of the BQs or Kentucky). Cue the Zoolanders running up to the finish mat. Cue Phil's: "Tyler and James, you are the winners of 'The Amazing Race'."

The Zoolanders embraced as they tried to mentally work out how many pounds of blow one million dollars would buy the enormity of what Phil had just said hit them. He allowed them a product-placed phonecall to their families to tell them the good news and we got to see James' bald, pony-tailed dad with the wicked owl-brows. He looks like a character. Why couldn't he have gone on the show instead?

Rob and Kimberly ran up a short while later. I'd love to tell you their final words but I was too distracted by Kimberly’s massive, stone-hard nipples to pay attention. I believe Rob talked about how much he loved Kimberly and how spending all this time with her proved she really was the one for him.

Phil turned to Kimberly and asked: "I know you were looking forward to having a big rock on your finger." Why? She's already got a pair of them in her chest.

When the Lyns eventually ran up, Kentucky were noticeably more pleased. They'd be able to get back their "Friends in low places" T-shirt at last. The Lyns were proud to have made it this far and shown their kids just what they could achieve if they put their minds to it. There may have been a butterfly metaphor involved. It was sweet and I wish we'd gotten to see this version of the Lyns in the race rather than the judgmental prats we did see.

Last words from Tyler had to involve drugs. It was his hook (no pun intended) to get on the show after all. 'The Amazing Race' was like a blur to him. In fact, his entire life was like a blur to him ever since he’d gotten off drugs. Funny, you'd think that it would be the other way around. He was grateful and could barely believe how well life was finally going.

"I haven't just won 'The Amazing Race', I feel like I've won the game of life."

I prefer Monopoly myself, to be quite honest. Remember, kids. Stay in school! Don't do drugs! And try not to land on streets with hotels already on them!