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Today, 13 October 2008

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Arturo Bandini (Colin Farrel) is living out of a suitcase in a dingy Los Angeles hotel while he tries to write a novel. Struggling to make ends meet during the Great Depression, he wants to make it big in this now destitute land of opportunity, dreaming of money in his pocket and a blond beauty at his side.

Camilla (Salma Hayek) is a voluptuous Mexican waitress, running from her home and hoping a rich 'true blooded' American will sweep her off her feet… and then marry her so she can stay in the country.

So when the Italian-born Arturo, angered by a slight lack of inspiration and a serious lack of money, wanders into the local coffee shop where Camilla works, they hardly seem like a match made in heaven.

And they're not.

It's hate at first sight — for no reason whatsoever. He insults her coffee, her shoes, her ancestry. She, in turn, tells him that he is an arrogant pig... and then they promptly go skinny-dipping. And thus, the tone is set for the entire movie.

As these two would-be lovers stumble along, loving each other one minute, hating each other next, you're left wishing they'd just get on with it before you fall asleep.

Based on John Fante's novel of the same name, 'Ask The Dust' is plodding, pretentious, melodramatic and worst of all, incredibly boring. The dialogue is stilted and frankly unbelievable, trying to force you to see meaning in this insanely profound (read convoluted) relationship. Unfortunately, it's a farce; an overly emotional, indelicate farce trying its best to be poignant, deep and heartfelt.

Pulling out every cheap shot in the 'directing romance for dummies' guide, writer-director Robert Towne attempts to claw his way through loads of gumpf to wrench at your heartstrings. He uses everything from clichéd cross-cultural romance, drug addiction and a cute puppy to Salma Hayek's impressive assets and Colin Farrel's hairy behind to get you on the bandwagon… and for a very slow ride at that.

Admittedly, he tries to spice up proceedings with a couple of wacky, secondary characters, such as an abusive barman, a headmistress-like landlady, a needy, mentally unstable woman and a dithering neighbour (Donald Sutherland) who has a 'special' relationship with the milkman. But none of these characters are strong or impressive enough to provide anything to the story, including comic relief. On the contrary, they slow the already plodding pace with yet more stilted dialogue and improbable encounters.

'Ask The Dust' is a cure for insomnia, nothing else.