Still, the irony was palpable when the Lohan flacker stated that: "Both the parties want the press to know they love their children very much. They want the press to stay out of their lives. They are doing what's in the best interests of the children and they would appreciate that they are allowed to participate in their children's lives without the press."

Now, I don't doubt that these two do indeed love their kids (no comment about how much they love their money) — but self-righteously asking the press to stay out of their lives? It's a little difficult to stay out of the life of a man who comments to the tabloids on just about every move his ex-wife or daughter Lindsay makes.

It's also kind of difficult to stay out of the life of a woman whose likeness is adorning thousands of billboards here in New York — all advertising her brand-new reality show, for which she's welcomed cameras into her home and life to film everything she does, as she works to make her other daughter Ali into a music star!

Angelina Jolie may never have won me over from Team Aniston, but at least she's a touch more consistent in her desire for privacy from the press. But now, not only are the tabs reporting on every move she makes — they're also reporting on a number that she doesn't.

Seems that, according to Jolie's lawyers: "A random individual has engaged in a scheme to intentionally harm my client and deceive her fans, the public and the media through illegal and tortuous impersonation of Ms. Jolie's longtime assistant, Holly."

"The individual who claims to be, and to whom the media has relied upon as, a 'reliable source' is not my client's assistant, nor does the email address belong to my client's assistant."

Hence all the premature reports that Angie had given birth to the twins and even named them already. Whoops!

All too real, though, is the truly staggering bidding war going on amongst the celeb mags to be the ones to publish the first official photos of the twins. Apparently, $15-million (more than R116-million!) is the number to beat if you'd like to win those snaps.

How to raise $15 million — hmm, why don't I just put my name on something and sell it? I mean, if it worked for Paris Hilton… Oh, wait, I'm not super-famous.

Good news for the Olsen twins is that they are. So, naturally, they're launching a new jewellery line, with which they are said to be, "heavily involved". So, you can be sure that one or both of the wee Olsens personally approved that mass-produced gem you're buying as being likely to sell well and make them even more money.

Because that's just what the Olsens need — another revenue stream. It's not like they could already afford to have life-sized versions of themselves sculpted out of solid gold… Next they'll be teaming up with Pinky and the Brain to take over the world.

That not made you ill enough? Perhaps this will — news that when untouched beauty Ivana Trump (former wife of The Donald, of course) recently remarried, she made her wedding guests help out her poor, starving, socialite daughter Ivanka's Madison Avenue, New York, jewellery shop.

She insisted on having her wedding registry solely with that store, which is called (how did they come up with the name?!) Ivanka Trump. Generously, her poorer and more miserly guests were taken care of, too, since she registered for items from $5000 (almost R40 000) right down to a modest $500 (nigh on R4000) for the cheapskates/poverty-stricken.

On a slightly less egregious note, Sharon Stone has apologised profusely for saying, as I mentioned last column, that perhaps, you know, the Chinese got what they deserved with that horrific earthquake, because of the government's treatment of Tibet.

And, finally: no — Cameron Diaz assures us that she's not dating Sean 'Diddy' Combs, despite the rumours. She and the man-of-a-new-name-every-week are just friends. But, word is that she may well be cosying up to an ex of Jennifer Aniston's — that model Paul Sculfor. Seems he's quite adept at celeb networking…

More star marriage, babies and dodgy hook-ups — in next week's Bitch and Famous!