"Hey, we've been dating for, like, months — the tabs are so getting bored with us. I love you so much I've been wearing underwear again for, like, forever already.

"I can't even remember the last time I flashed my boobs at a party... We should totally get married."

While Jen Aniston nixes all rumours that she's hitching herself in perpetuity to the questionable John Mayer (oh, blessed news), Lindsay Lohan seems quite happy there amidst the storm of speculation that she's planning to marry girlfriend Samantha Ronson at the end of the year.

Sure they've barely just started dating, but, what with having committed to those matching black heart tattoos on their respective left hands, they've already undertaken something longer-lasting than a celeb marriage.

Of course, first to comment is Linds' dad Michael (convicted fraudster turned combination man-of-the-cloth and chief-gossip-source-on-his-daughter for the tabloids).

He says he's delighted his little cash machine is happy with Sam, but that, being a Christian, he couldn't walk Lindsay down the aisle. No god-less mockery of the super-sanctity that is marriage between one woman and one man in Hollywood for Father-of-Lohan.

Ja, the major problem is that the greatest stabilising force thus far in Lindsay's life doesn't pee standing up — not that she perhaps shouldn't be getting married at 22, fresh out of rehab, to someone she hasn't even been with for six months.

Cue 'Spider-Man' star James Franco, who recently wittered away about how terribly awkward it was to, you know, act.

Franco had to kiss Sean Penn for their new Gus Van Sant flick 'Milk' — a biopic about gay-rights activist and politician Harvey Milk who was assassinated in the late '70s.

"We're sitting on the curb, kissing… and it's not stopping," laments poor Franco of the scene with Penn.

"A minute doesn't sound like a long time, but, in front of 200 people, it's a long time."

"He [Penn] had a beard and the beard is scraping me. Afterwards, we were like: 'All right, how are those Raiders [an American football team].'"

Thankfully for James, Sean was happy to help him reassert his masculinity between takes: "He would always ask me if my girlfriend was the better kisser."

I'm getting flashbacks to the endless 'How did you cope?!' questions and manly assertions of Jake Gyllenhaal's then-relationship with Kirsten Dunst and Heath Ledger's romance with co-star Michelle Williams, when Jake and Heath did 'Brokeback Mountain'.

Strangely enough, I can't recall Rupert Everett ever being asked how he deals with kissing his female co-stars. Nor has anyone sympathised with 'Grey's Anatomy's T.R. Knight, who had to face those sex scenes with co-star Katherine Heigl. I guess he just gritted his teeth, thought of his boyfriend, and tried like hell not to let the experience turn him straight.

Back, now, to celebs not getting married. Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal flackers tell the US's People mag that the pair are absolutely, positively neither engaged nor planning a wedding.

Hope it's true. They make a great couple, but giving a two-star Hollywood hook-up more time can't be a bad thing.

And here's holding thumbs that Jennifer Aniston really isn't marrying John Mayer any time soon — or ever, frankly. As well as quashing the wedding speculation, Aniston's just poured cold water on the talk that she's pregnant, though no doubt her midriff is now on round-the-clock tabloid bump-watch.

She has remarked, though, that she's just thrilled being with the 'my songs are so miserable I must be deep' singer. (To be fair, her man's no James Blunt — but I just ain't never going to get over his having dated Jessica Simpson.)

Aniston's immortal words on the joy of being with Mayer? "Being in love makes you happy." Uh, yes — yes, it does, Jen.

But, wait a second — I certainly could have got more out of my great love for the flawless David Duchovny over the years. Yet, somehow, he still remains inexplicably, unhappiness-inducingly married to Tea Leoni.

Turns out Double-D isn't just the criminally handsome star of the new 'X-Files' movie, and cable channel Showtime's stellar new series 'Californication', he's also an ideas man.

Duchovny and 'X-Files' co-star Gillian Anderson lent their voices to a 1997 episode of 'The Simpsons', and he's wanted to return the favour ever since.

"'The Simpsons' should have come on our show ['The X-Files']. I had an idea around the seventh or eighth year and thought we should try a Roger Rabbit-style episode, where they crossed real folk and animation." 'Real folk', David? That's a mighty quaint expression.

"We could do Homer comes to the FBI and deals with cartoon characters. I still feel it's a good idea." Damn straight it's a good idea! I live in hope of seeing it in the form of a future 'X-Files' special…

And, finally, I leave you with the news that Jessica Alba has not only entirely failed to heed my repeated suggestions of alternative career paths, but has now offered her thoughts on feminism.

Her simplistic but reasonable comments were of the general effect that women in Hollywood need to trade in competition amongst themselves in favour of dealing with gender disparities in the industry.

"I'm not competitive with [other actresses]. I root for all of them because we definitely don't have equality with men in this business," explains Alba.

"There are a lot more men making a lot more money and headlining movies than women, and the more of us who can come up and do that the better. I want my friends to produce, direct, act, write, all of it." So far, so good.

"I think being competitive defeats the whole female movement. I want to be encouraging to my girlfriends. Totally." The 'female movement'? Seriously, Jessica?

I think, Jess, that you should just bow out of Tinseltown and let your glittering oeuvre speak for itself.

How could 'Into the Blue' and 'Good Luck Chuck' fail to totally help the female movement? And then there's 'Honey'. I mean, what screams 'feminism' louder than 94 minutes of plotless gyration in a sports bra?

More from the irony-free zone that is Hollywood — in next week's Bitch and Famous!