Oh, isn't he just the best dad ever! Yes, Michael Lohan is a veritable paragon of parenting. I mean, come on, the man's done his time in prison for fraud, and now he's found God and launched into a better, brighter life.

Lindsay Lohan must be so thrilled to have him out and about — and commenting ceaselessly to the press on her every move. Add to that her mother's new reality show about how she's trying to make little sister Lohan into a music star... and, well, it's just a whole world of joy, isn't it?

Now, Papa Lohan's voicemail apology to his cash cow — uh, daughter — for his latest slew of comments to the media has been published on the net. Oh, the irony.

"I've been trying to reach you for a week now," complains Michael. Ja, weird how she's not taking your calls. "I know that you were annoyed that I gave an interview and my need to comment about the people you are around, and obviously you took offence to it." Children can be so temperamental, can't they?

What he's referring to is his the interview he gave to America's Us Weekly about Lindsay's relationship with DJ Samantha Ronson — because it was absolutely vital that he tell the world all about his daughter's love life. He's all about the caring, that man.

"I am telling you, I just love you," grovels Michael in the voice message to Linds. "And I promise you, I absolutely promise you, I will not mention your name in the press, at all, ever again." What's that? A pig just flew past my window.

But wait — there's more. Michael also currently involved in a paternity suit with a woman who claims to have had a year-long affair with him, which resulted in their having a daughter — now 13 years old! So, now they wait for the results of a DNA test.

Mike's denying he's the dad, and even that he had an affair for a year, but word is that, if he does turn out to be the dad, he's planning to sell the story to the tabloids! Sources say he's asking $20 000 (well over R150 000) for an exclusive, and that he's been shopping the potential deal around to the US' People and Ok! mags.

According to a PageSix source: "He's approaching everyone to get the highest bid, because, if he is the dad, he's going to need the money for back child support." Apparently, though, neither of the tabs are interested — certainly not at that price.

From wannabe celebs who're constantly trying to do the star thing, to real stars who eschew the celeb life.

Yup, there are actually some celebs who don't wear the full-time star uniform of whatever designer's clothes are super-hot right now. The gorgeous Helen Mirren (star of 'The Queen') even goes so far as to favour second-hand clothes.

"I love second-hand shops," reveals Mirren. "Or I make my own clothes, because I've never found the kinds of things I liked."

On the other — totally Hollywood — end of the star spectrum, there's Tori Spelling. I must say, the life of this daughter of late TV super-mogul Aaron Spelling (creator of 'Dynasty', 'Beverly Hills, 90210', 'Melrose Place', 'Charmed', etc., etc.) does make for mesmerising viewing.

She and her hubby star in their own new reality show: 'Tori and Dean: Home, Sweet Hollywood' — and adverts for it, featuring the happy couple, are plastered on just about every bus, subway station, billboard and paper you come across here in New York. It's enough to make your eyeballs bleed.

Watch while Tori complains that Dean's scuba instructor is too hot and is flirting with him. Watch while Dean worries about Tori's complaining. Watch while Tori feels sick because she's pregnant. Watch while you fight the urge to kill yourself from boredom.

Somehow, Spelling managed to fit the filming of this truly magical piece of television into her busy schedule of complaining that she can't afford her dream, five-bedroom home, and being so pregnant that she resembles a whale. But, sadly, she's not able to fit in filming the pilot of the new 'Beverly Hills, 90210' into her life now that she's had the baby.

As Tor tells People mag: "I'm looking forward to returning to' 90210' in a later episode, but I just had my baby three weeks ago via C-section. So right now I have to focus on recuperating, and my first priority is my family." Aww.

The good news is that Shannen Doherty may well be in that pilot, folks. The good girl of '90210' and very bad girl of real life is reportedly 'in talks' regarding her return to this remake of the seminal '90s show.

Apparently, Doherty wants more cash to come back, as well as a chance to vet the storylines beforehand. All this from the woman who was reportedly so fractious on the original series that she was kicked off the show in 1994.

On the subject of old show comebacks — looks as if 'Friends' might be doing the 'Sex and the City' thing and making a movie. I shudder to think how much they'll have to pay each of the six main cast members to make that happen...

Jen Aniston and Courteney Cox are apparently tempted by the big hit the 'SATC' movie has been. "Jennifer, Courteney and the rest of the cast are keen to reprise their roles, under the right circumstances," says an insider.

"The box office success of 'Sex and the City' has really got their wheels spinning about how 'Friends' film could be just as big, if done right. Jennifer says she and Courteney have already talked this summer about what they want out of a 'Friends' movie."

Ja, you know how it is — you're standing around the braai, just chatting about how you starred in one of the biggest sitcoms of all time and what the best way to parley that into film form is... Or, perhaps you're bemoaning the price of food and petrol — same thing, really.

And, finally, I leave you with the news that Charlize Theron is not itching to make her life into a big screen biopic.

There've been rumours that Charlize's dramatic life — from the early trauma of her mother having to kill her abusive father in self-defence, to her dashed dancing dreams, big break into movies in the US and subsequent stardom — is going to be turned into a film. But, Theron's not thrilled at the suggestion.

"God, I hope not," says Charlz. "I've been working harder than anything in my life to try and keep my life sacred."

"I really don't mind when I'm in front of a camera and playing a character I'm comfortable with... but I don't necessarily like the spotlight to be about me — not at all. The idea of sitting in Cannes and watching that... ugh. No."

More about the stars you love, and all the ones you loathe as well — in next week's Bitch and Famous!